Have I been Desensitized?

As I was sitting in a coffee shop this morning checking my email and checking for the third time if I have enough money in my bank account to purchase the coffee I'm currently drinking, I witnessed something that by most American's standards would seem a little...off I guess. Two young ladies- students of SPU I assume- had their heads bowed together in prayer. As a former SPU student this seems completely normal to me considering I would sit, talk, and pray with my buddies when enjoying a good cup of JOE or when just enjoying a quick bite to eat.

Herein lies my question: Have I been desensitized to the miracle and blessing of prayer?
it may seem as though i'm being a little over dramatic but I feel as though this is a question that a lot of people may be asking themselves. Not because people no longer need prayer, that's not what I'm saying at all; I'm saying that because I was in such a 'bubble' while at SPU, the idea of praying in public has become something of familiarity rather than something miraculous.

Don't assume that because I'm questioning if I'm desensitized to prayer that I've stopped believing in the power of prayer or even the true blessings that come from regular conversations with God. I still very much believe that God hears our cries for help and our shouts of joy or even our rants of frustration. I have had so many blessings in my life that even I'm not yet aware of so I could never stop being grateful and thankful for what God has done in my life and for my family and for my friends! So what is the main issue that I'm talking about here? I think we've taken for granted the fact that we live in a country where we aren't openly persecuted for our faith and for our beliefs.

I think about many followers around the world who don't have the privlige to openly pray and worship God, about the people who have to move secretly every week- and sometimes every day- to underground churches where secrecy is of the greatest importance because should the word leak that they worship Jesus Christ, they might lose their heads, literally. Another thing that I am troubled by-and am even guilty of- is the fact that we as Christians in the US rant and rave (I guess as I am doing right now) about how we need to pray for those people who have their freedom stripped from them every day and how we need to be helping them in any way possible because it's what Christ calls us to do; however, we often put our troubles and worries above the rest. Its sad to say but I'm guilty of this as well. We want to help those who truly need it and yet when the opportunity arises, WE make excuses (WE as in myself included).

Not all Christians are this way however. I am for sure generalizing and calling myself as well as those like me a hypocrite because of the condemnation we dish out but can't take it when it's dished back to our ends of the table. I watch my girlfriend, who is very involved in Habitat For Humanity, and I am constantly amazed at how she is living out the mission Christ has set before her and she Loves it! I want that passion in my life as well, but when will I start making other people and Christ's calling my passion? So in a roundabout way, I haven't answered my original question and I've posed a new one, haven't I? Well my mind works like that and I suck sometimes but these are some of my thoughts on it... yea I have a lot that I'd love to say but I suck at making my thoughts fluid I guess. Alright I'm done, I can't think of anything to say that makes a whole lot of sense...my bad.

How do I constantly F*** things up?! *Pardon my piglatin*

So I have probably know this my entire life but I am wonderful at saying the precisely wrong thing at the wrong moments and it never ceases to amaze me...

Here's my story...of stupidity.

So the past few weeks have been sort of tough on both my girlfriend and myself;
She's busy with getting ready for the new school year,
I'm busy working at a job that has no life-giving value and then sitting on my ass reading.
Needless to say, I know that Jenn's schedule is way more stressful.

Spending time with Jenn has been tremendously tough to say the least;
She's a PA (Or RA equivalent at other schools) for the second year in a row,
not only was it tough last year, but it presents more difficulties; more responsibility, more tireless hours of training the new PA's, and figuring out how to balance life with school and PA-ness. I am not helping in relieving this stress for her what so ever.

Lets see how I can put this...I'm a complete A** hole (my attempt at not cursing).

Jenn has been having a very hard time balancing her responsibilities with her private life
A feat that I couldn't accomplish with a thousand lifetimes and a pack of beer.
She's been frustrated to say the least and I've for sure noticed this (mainly because--and she'll admit this too--most of her aggression has been vented on me in one form or another) but I don't blame her...I remember how tough being a PA is.

Anywho, last night we stopped in my room for a bit and she closed the door at one point and we sat down on my bed (think a talk is coming...yep you'd be right).
So the discussion begins with tears and a "confession" to being irritable for the past week and taking it out on me.
At first I'm trying to comfort her but then comes a question something like this;
"have you noticed this?" or "what do you think about this?"
Obviously I don't remember exactly which isn't a good thing, but here's the storm to come.

Rather than taking some time to further comfort her and try and help her feel better...
I spent the next few minutes telling her that yes, she has been taking stuff out on me,
and yes, she has been slightly off all week
and yes, I don't know what the hell's been going on...but I feel like you've been a little cold with me lately (that's just a...we'll say summary or guess at the approximation of the stupid shit I said to make her feel even worse).

At that moment I don't think I could've made her feel worse than if she had run over a box of orphan kittens with bows tied around their heads...I felt that much like a dousche.
However, I didn't know that I was a total dousche until I woke up in the middle of the night due to a dream about an effing huge spider on my wall (I'm thinking that this was some sort of dream that I get only when I feel shitty about something I've done)

Ok so here's the scoop...
I don't think there's anything I could say right now to make her feel better,
I don't feel like she has any reason to forgive me and I honestly don't blame her,
I wish I could take it all back because I love her with all my heart (though the way I acted you would probably never know this)

I just want to make things right...

What's on the Ball Today?

So I haven't had a whole lot to do this summer but read and think.
One thing that I've thought a lot about is this "next step" crap looking at stuff like getting a new job, finding a new apartment, in other words...money money money.

Fun Stuff....

Well I've found myself a part-time job with an Adidas Retail store...
I've found an apartment with one of my best friends and his brother...
Things seem to be falling into place yet I'm still worried as hell....

Not Fun Stuff...

Though I have plenty of worries and plenty of things to stress me out
The Lord will Provide: "Yahweh-Yireh"

The one thing that I know has remained true in my life is that God constantly provides for myself and my family.
Whenever my family has been on the verge of not paying a bill...God has provided.
Whenever I needed strength and needed wisdom and I sat down and prayed for it...
God Has Provided at every single turn and quite honestly...It's Unbelievable!!

So here's the next thing that I have constantly thought about this summer...
I have an amazing girlfriend that is so wonderful to me and I am Head-over-heels in Love!!
I know that she'll probably read this and not exactly be comfortable with the fact that I'm telling everyone (or rather anyone willing to read my banter) about how in love I am with her but I just can't help but shout from the mountain tops about my love for her!

I'd love to say that I'm good with words and that I could say something eloquent and romantic about her...
The truth is that I'm a Schmuck and I get tongue tied every time I think of her.
What can I say, I get all flustered every time I think of her, hear her voice, or see her beautiful face when we talk over skype :)

I get to see her in a few days and I couldn't be more excited!!!

Quick Thought On Iran

So I know everyone and their mother is talking about Iran but I have a very personal interest in what's going on in the middle east so I felt it was important to give a quick thought to the situation in Iran.

First off, what many people don't know about me (and still won't because I only know of one person that reads my blogs) is that one of my personal passions and hobbies that I have is studying eschatology or rather "End Times Prophesy" and that is both in regards to the beliefs within Christianity (mainly because I am a Christian) as well as the beliefs within Islam. Which of course brings me to my subject matter for today in regards to the current rumblings within the state of Iran and what is going on politically there.

So rather than go on and on about the studies I'm doing right now regarding eschatology and the Middle East (I'm also closely watching news on Russia, N. Korea and China) I'm just going to pose a thought to who ever may read this and challenge you to think about what I'm saying regardless of your spiritual standings.

So think about this; Ahmadinejad is a man bent on bringing about the destruction of the world, in particular Israel "little Satan" and the U.S. "Big Satan" because in his beliefs and what is taught in the mindset of Radical Islam that by bringing about chaos and the "end of the world," the messiah--better known within Islam as the "twelfth Imam" or the "Mahdi"--will arise and rule the world. Ahmadinejad is a man who firmly believes that it is his sole purpose in life to fulfill this prophesy which in other words means that his sole purpose in life is to bring about the destruction of the "Satans" of this world. Why is this a big deal? Is this just the rhetoric and bumbling of a crazed psychopath that we can ignore? Absolutely this is a big deal and we cannot ignore it! But rather than go into all of the logistics of this problem let me discuss why the current election uprisings in Iran play a siginifcant role in Ahmadinejad's world and why we should be warry about this.

Here's my thoughts on this and you can take it for what you will but I just want you to think about this. Will the unrest in Iran trigger Ahmadinejad into launching a massive strike on Israel and the US with the potential to kill millions of people? I believe that this is a very real possibility and we need to be watching for it. The main idea that I want to get across is this; I think that with Ahmadinejad's position in office being threatened by the political uprisings after the "election" fiasco, he will go into a state of desparation and it will only quicken his ambitions to bring about the Mahdi. Now if Ahmadinejad does happen to lose his position in office there is a good possibility that we can take a deep breath at least for a while; however, if Ahmadinejad still has as much support from the world of radical Islam as he does right now and if he is still bent on bringing about the destruction of the US and Israel, he is still very dangerous to us and needs to be stopped one way or another. On the flip side, if Ahmadinejad does maintain his position in office, there is still a very real threat posed to us and to Israel and we need to be ready for this.

This is all i'm going to say for a while, but chew on this.

Is it Possible or Can I Just Not Get By This?

So breaking off on another tangent entirely from my last post...I seem to struggle a lot with completely (or relatively) random worries and thoughts that seem to plague and taint everything I do unless I keep myself totally occupied. I tend to read way too much into the ways people say things and in the way that they write them. So I guess what I mean is that when a completely harmless comment is made, I can change it around to seem as if it meant the complete opposite of what it actually did. So I know that this doesn't make a whole lot of sense but I tend to worry way too much about things that really shouldn't matter. It's not like I blow everything out of proportion and blow up on people, I generally keep everything to myself which I'm told can lead to a lot of problems but I don't see why I should bother anyone else with my worries...right?

So anyway, besides this crap that I deal with on a day by day basis...Life is good and I honestly can't complain too much. Even though I'm a college grad with no "jobs" I'm still blessed more than most to even have a roof over my head or food in my stomach so who am I to whine? At least i'm not like Job where I lose everything right! God's been good to my family so I can't complain :)

Obviously there is a lot going on in the Middle East with the protests in Iran, constant wars and rumors of war concerning Israel, Russia making alliances with Islamic nations with their desire to make the final push South; it is hard to not believe that we are growing closer to the end times if we are not already engulfed in them presently.

As I watch the news today and read blogs and twitter messages I can constantly see the ways in which Israel and the Middle East has truly become the "Epicenter" in the sense that besides the occasional political reform or train wreck that makes the headlines, news in the middle east has become one of the primary focuses and all eyes have turned towards Israel. One particular blog that I highly recommend everyone read (regardless of your beliefs on Biblical Eschatology or the studies of the end of days) is Joel Rosenberg's weblog http://flashtrafficblog.wordpress.com/.

Today I had also watched an interview with Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu where he discusses some of these issues regarding the news in the Middle East. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/31472770#31472770 Check out these links they're pretty interesting.

Missing, Hoping, Searching

So basically right now I am thinking about 3 things;
I miss my girlfriend who just yesterday (at a disgusting 3AM) left for S. Africa, I am hoping that this job that I'm applying for in Gig Harbor will pan out, and I am continually searching for more work, a deeper sense of content and a revival of a very important relationship.

So my girlfriend Jenn is basically the most amazing woman on the face of the planet and I already miss her and it hasn't even been a full day yet! I know, I know, it's pathetic but what can I say...I adore the woman! She wrote me a note for every day that she is gone which was very sweet but i'm tempted to jump ahead and open all of the letters haha. oh well i guess i'll live.

I've applied for this sick job down in Gig Harbor, WA as an Intern of middle school ministries for this church and after about a month or two they are finally starting to call my references...It's a sweet opportunity and an all out awesome package but i'm starting to get a little restless. Frustrations aside, I'm starting to look for other jobs as a backup...We'll see how it all goes.

So earlier I said that I was searching for a deeper sense of content and a revival of an important relationship; what I'm talking about is spiritual content and reviving my relationship with God. Yep, the "Big Guy" Himself. I just feel like i'm screwing the pooch and i'm looking to get out of it that's all. Life outside of my Spiritual life is amazing and I can't complain too much; but my relationship with God needs some work.
(This is a Picture of the William Wallace Monument that I took on my Vacation...I just like it)

In other news... My back hurts and I need to catch some shut-eye so I'm out!